Hard Memories
by Mele
Summary: Epilog for the episode "Hard Times"....Brennan remembers what he said and did...SPOILERS for Hard Times


**_Disclaimer:_**_  The obvious applies here: they are not mine, they belong to Tribune Entertainment, Marvel Studios, and Fireworks Entertainment.   I am borrowing them for some non-profit fun._

**_Notes and Timeline:_**_  Missing scene/epilog thingie for "Hard Times."  Great episode, but needed some closure-Brennan got off way too easy.  For those who have not seen the episode: Spoiler warning starting right here.  The three-second episode recap is: Brennan and Jesse go undercover in a state penitentiary where they find an illegal 'fight to the death' ring is operating, using drugged up inmates as unwilling and unwitting participants.  Brennan gets given the drugs and ends up fighting an undrugged Jesse, who refused to use his powers against Brennan, though Brennan had no such compunctions.  Basically (and not surprisingly) Brennan beat the hell out of Jesse before Jesse could slip him the antidote.  Brennan professed afterwards to not remembering much of what he did or said while hyped on the steroids, and Jesse forgave him his attitude and the beating.  And they all lived happily ever after. *grin*_

**Hard Memories**

**By Mele**

The dream caught Brennan unawares, arriving as it did long after he believed his and Jesse's term in Hillview State Penitentiary had been dealt with.  He'd offered his apologies to his younger teammate; an apology that had been accepted easily enough by the molecular.  Mulwray's vaguely remembered actions under Dr. Rigas' drugs had thankfully dulled even further, seeming to ease at the same rate the bruises on Jesse's face faded.  After that one brief discussion they had not mentioned the fight again, and soon new cases and concerns took precedence in their lives.

So it was a shock for Brennan to jolt awake at just seven minutes past midnight, his mind suddenly filled with the memory of what he'd done and said three weeks before in that place Jesse had dubbed 'Hellview.'  He flashed on the memory of Jesse's blue eyes, wary and uncertain amidst the bruises that covered his face, and heard the younger man's query as to whether or not Brennan remembered what he'd said while hyped on steroids.

God, no wonder the molecular had been reluctant at first to accept the apology.  Beating the crap out of him was one thing - and certainly a bad enough thing - but to say what he said, to imply Jesse was a liability to the team, that was a cruelty Brennan was disgusted to find he was even capable of.  It was inevitable that the members of Mutant X had gotten to know each - both their strengths and their weaknesses - quite well.  In the midst of a fight that knowledge could be the deciding factor between success and failure; this aspect was often stressed during training sessions.  And all five of them were careful to never use this knowledge against each other at a personal level. 

Until Brennan threw it in Jesse's face that the molecular's particular abilities came with certain built in inconveniences that left Jesse vulnerable after using them.

And until Brennan brutally accused the younger man of being a burden to him, of being weak and incapable.  Of being all but useless.

Jesse's worst insecurities used as a weapon against him, while all along it was Brennan and his checkered past that got them involved in the first place.  Jesse's only real 'crime' was loyalty to his friend and teammate, and his determination to prove himself worthy and capable, regardless of the danger.  Well, that and not quite being inconspicuous.

Brennan literally cringed when he realized how close he came to frying Jesse in the solitary confinement cell.  He also recognized that in the split second Jess had in which to react, the molecular still chose the option that was safer to Brennan.  He phased, allowing the electricity to flow through him, rather than mass and deflect the bolts back to the source.  Upon reflection, that's exactly what Jesse did in one way or another the whole time they were in there.  He consistently chose whatever option was less dangerous to Brennan, whether it was putting himself in position to be Brennan's opponent or opting not to mass during the fight.

Sure, the kid hit back - and damned hard at that.  But those blows were nothing compared to what he could have done if he'd massed his arm and struck Brennan.  And it also didn't compare to the damage an equally amped up opponent bent on killing the elemental could have done.  The only thing worse would have been Brennan killing his opponent, even if said opponent were the bald hard-case McMullen.  After all, McMullen was a victim of Warden John Wallington and Dr. Nigel Rigas as much as Brennan was.

But Jesse had protected him from that possibility by ensuring McMullen was out for the count and that he - Jesse - would take his place against Mulwray.  Emma guaranteed he wasn't injected with the drugs, and got Shalimar and Adam into the audience for the fight so they could slip the antidote to Jesse.

And it all worked out for the best.

Right.

That's why Brennan was sitting there in his room bathed in a cold sweat as he recalled the sensation of Jesse's body yielding under his fists and feet; reliving the feeling of the irrational righteous anger fueling his furious attacks.  Hearing Wallington announce their fight as friend on friend...brother on brother.  Cain and Abel.  One would live, and one would die, and Brennan remembered his smug complacency that he would be the one to prevail.

Well, he certainly did manage to prevail.  If the newly awakened memories were accurate, it was obvious that if he'd prevailed any more thoroughly Jesse would be dead.  It was amazing the younger man wasn't more badly injured, given he'd been on the receiving end of a full body slam, as well as being jolted several times by the elemental's powers.

Brennan moaned softly and cradled his head in is hands, resting his elbows on his knees as he sat on the edge of his bed.  Scenes from that brutal fight assailed him randomly, each one battering his conscience.

Throwing Jesse into the steel mesh wall.

Sitting on Jesse's chest and pounding the blond's head against the floor.

Strangling the smaller man to keep him from drawing the breath needed to allow him to phase.

A double fisted slam to the downed man's back.

Kicking him with enough force to send him rolling away.

Taunting him, telling him to mass, then brutally attacking when the molecular refused to use his powers against him.

_Why did Jesse do that_???

Unable to stand it another moment, the dark haired elemental threw on his robe and stalked down the hallway to Kilmartin's room.  Not bothering to knock, he burst into the room roughly shaking Jesse from his sleep.

"Why the hell did you let me do that?" he demanded of his half-asleep teammate, speaking with startling intensity despite keeping his voice lowered.

"Huh?  Wha?  Bren?  Whas wrong?   Someone attacking us?  Where're the others?" he asked anxiously, sitting up and doing his best to awaken.

"No, no.  No one's attacking.  Everyone's asleep.  Why didn't you mass, man?  I could have _killed_ you, for God's sake!" Brennan hissed out angrily, stalking the width of Jesse's room.

"What are you talking about?" Kilmartin asked with some asperity, leaning against the wall at the head of his bed.

"When we were in Hillview.  When we fought.  You should have massed, I can't believe you didn't.  Were you trying to get killed?  Did you think that would be a good lesson for me, to kill you?  What the hell were you playing at?"

"Brennan, that was three weeks ago.  Why are you asking me about it now?  In case you didn't notice, man, I was asleep before you came barging in here."

"I...I had a dream, or I remembered, I guess it was.  I didn't before, you know?  I mean, I remembered fighting you, vaguely.  I had enough bruises to know you fought back, and some foggy memory of it.  But I didn't remember it all, or how it felt, or how I felt and now...well...now I do.  And why, Jess?  Why did you let me hurt you?"  The taller man sat down finally near the end of the bed.  "You shouldn't have done that."

Jesse sighed and ran his hands over his tousled blond hair.  "Bren, the whole idea of me fighting you was to keep you from getting hurt or killed.  It was my fault you were in that situation.  And if you'd faced McMullen?  Man, I saw McMullen kill that guy the night before, and believe me, that prisoner was bigger than you are.  And McMullen destroyed him.  Killed him _after_ he was already down.  It was like you said earlier; McMullen was the real deal, a stone cold killer.  I couldn't let you go against that, especially with it being my fault.  Me going in McMullen's place was the best solution I could come up with under the circumstances.  And I don't really care how pissed off you get, I still think it was the right thing to do."  Kilmartin's light eyes locked in a battle of wills with Mulwray's brown orbs.

"Okay," Brennan said at last, looking away.  "Okay, I guess I can understand that, if I can't necessarily agree with it.  But Jesse, you didn't defend yourself."

"Yes I did.  As you pointed out, you had the bruises to prove it."  Jesse looked a little puzzled at Brennan's comments.

"You didn't defend yourself adequately.  You should have massed.  I was using my powers against you, your powers could have countered that."

"Brennan, I could have hurt you badly if you'd pulled those moves on me while I was massed.  And you know I can't hit anyone with a massed fist.  If I killed you myself it would pretty much defeat the purpose of me being your opponent," the molecular pointed out reasonably.

"It's just...now that I remember the fight, I can't believe I fought so dirty.  I didn't pull any punches, I was trying to kill you," Brennan mused aloud.

"Believe me, Bren, I know that.  But that was the drug, not you.  You were like the gun and the warden was the one pulling the trigger, you know?  I didn't take it personally," Jesse grinned.

"Yeah, right.  I beat you to a pulp and you don't take it personally.  You're a strange man, Jesse Kilmartin," Brennan smiled back, relaxing marginally.  

"And don't you forget it!"

"Huh?"  The dark haired elemental gave his friend a puzzled look.

"Hey, you wake me from a sound sleep in the middle of the night to discuss something that was over and done with three weeks ago and you expect me to be coherent?  I don't think so," Jesse countered with a smirk.

"I guess you have a point," Brennan chuckled, then he sobered again.  "And that's not all I need to say to you."

"Oh?"  A wary look had made its way into Jesse's blue eyes.

"Yeah.  When I first apologized for what happened, you remember, the next day; you were a little slow to accept my apology.  You asked me what I remembered, and now that I think about it, I realize you seemed relieved that I didn't recall much.  And I also think I understand why.  I remember now what I said to you, in solitary.  And Jess...it's not true.  None of it.  I don't know where that came from, but...I can tell you that it's absolutely not true."  The older man's dark eyes reflected his discomfort, as well as his sincerity.  There in the still dim room, in the deepest ditch of night, the two men found it somehow easier to drop their 'macho' facades and speak more openly than was their norm.

"Well, Brennan, it had to come from _somewhere_.  And at least some of the points you made were not without merit.  I am weaker immediately after I use my powers, I can't argue that.  As for watching my back...I didn't know there was a problem there," Kilmartin explained hesitantly, obviously trying to puzzle out where his companion had come up with that complaint.

"See, Jess, that's exactly what I was talking about.  It's not true.  I don't have to watch your back, I know you can take care of yourself.  If anything, you're always watching my back.  I'm thinking it may have been my frustration with myself being misdirected at you," Mulwray proposed.

"What?  That makes no sense at all, man.  What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well, look at it, Jess.  What happens when the bad guys bring out guns and start shooting?  Huh?  We all huddle behind Jesse, The Amazing Bullet Proof Man.  Does it even occur to us that every, single time you do that you are risking your life?  What if you can't mass for some reason?  What if they keep shooting too long?  We're all safe behind our double protection: Jesse massed and Jesse unmassed.  Even if your powers fail, you're still protecting us.  That's awesome, man.  That's an awesome amount of faith in your ability to control your powers, it's an awesome responsibility for you.  And you never fail.  Ever.  And I think that my jealousy...my insecurity...is what brought out that attack."  

"Geez, you decided to read the Collected Works of Sigmund Freud recently?  That's a lot of psycho babble there bro, for a minute there I thought maybe Emma took over your body," Jesse joked, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"Listen smart ass, I'm trying to apologize here, don't piss me off," Brennan grumbled, anger sparking in his dark eyes.

"Hey, sorry, man.  And I appreciate what you said.  Really.  I never really thought about it that way.  Now that you've brought it to my attention, I'm sure I'll think of it more often.  I'll just add it to my list of assorted phobias and unresolved issues," the blond grinned, bringing an answering smile to his companion's face.  "However, nice as that explanation was, much as I appreciate the intent, I think that the comment you made about knowing I couldn't handle it in there was...well...right on the money.  I blew it, and you paid for that.  It really wasn't your fault, what happened.  It was mine, and what went down was because I couldn't handle the situation."

"What?  Are you saying that because you let McMullen get to you, that you deserved to get the crap beaten out of you?  Listen, Jess...yeah, I was pissed that you started that fight.  But I understand how it happened.  Yeah, I had reservations about you coming on this job with me, but if you want to know the truth, it was mostly because I just didn't want you to have to see what prison is like.  It's ugly and brutal, and I kind of liked the fact you'd never been exposed to that before."  Brennan shrugged, looking uncomfortable with his thoughts.  

"Geez, Bren.  I'm not exactly the pure innocent you seem to think I am.  I have had some exposure to the seamier side of life," Jesse protested.

"Yeah, I know.  Those prep school initiations are hell, or so I hear," the older man snorted, his tone just this side of lighthearted teasing.  There were just some things the two young men would never quite see eye-to-eye on.  "Still, the only reason you were even involved was to help me, and I lost track of that fact in the heat of the situation."

Jesse chuffed out an exasperated sounding sigh.  "Are you going to have this hair-shirt you insist on wearing custom made to fit over your big head?" 

"Huh?"

"Get over yourself, Brennan.  The world doesn't revolve around your problems.  I'm sorry your pal Denny died, but the bottom line is; we saved God knows how many men from meeting the same fate.  That's what we do here.  You, me, Emma, Shal.  It's our job.  Remember?"  The molecular reached out and gently tapped his teammate's forehead.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay.  Fine.  Our job.  Still...I just...aren't you mad?  I mean, I'd be pissed as hell if I got beat up by the guy who I'm supposed to be working with."

Kilmartin ran a tired hand down his face, sighing deeply.  "Okay, fine.  I _was_ pissed, if that makes you feel better.  I mean, I know it wasn't your fault, but still...damn...it _hurt_.  And you fought dirty.  Using your powers like you did.  And that 'clothesline' move...remind me to have you teach me that one.  Damned effective.  So, yeah, I was angry, even while I understood how it happened, why it happened.  But you didn't deserve to have that dumped on you."

"You ever consider it might have made me feel better?" Brennan wondered.

"What?  To have me rag on you about this?  Why do I not see the logic in this?"

"I just feel like...I dunno...I got away with something.  There should be some price to pay..."

"That you should be punished."

"Yeah."  Brennan looked intently at his teammate.  "That's it, I guess."

 "Sorry, man, I just don't see it that way. Look, what if the positions were reversed, huh?  What would you have done differently?"  The expression on Jesse's face reflected curiosity and just a touch of challenge.

"I...well...I wouldn't have gotten into that ring with me," Mulwray began.

"Who would you have sent into the ring with me?" Kilmartin asked, phrasing it so his friend was forced to see Jesse in his place.  "Who would you send up against me if you knew I wasn't worried about using my powers, and was hyped up on steroids?"

"Okay, so I'd only feel safe if it was me in there with you, still..."

"What?  You'd use your powers against me?  Even though I wasn't in my right mind?"

"Probably, yeah.  Zap you out, you know, end the fight that way."

"Fine, good idea.  But I'm don't have that handy ability, and massed I _can't_ risk hitting you.  Even a 'light' blow could be fatal.  And believe me, man, I was trying to knock you out otherwise.  Would have made things a _lot _better.  But you've got a hell of a hard head," Jesse grinned ruefully.

"Figured that out all by yourself, did you?" Brennan smirked before sobering again.  "Okay, I see your point.  I can't think of how I would have done it differently."

The two men fell silent for a few moments, both lost in their own thoughts, until Jesse yawned hugely.

"Hey, if you're feeling better, maybe you'd like to go back to your room?  I could use some more sleep," the younger man suggested at last.

"Yeah, I guess that could be arranged," Brennan agreed quietly, standing at last.  He walked back to the door, then paused, turning again to his younger friend.  "Thanks, man."

"Hey, like I said, I look out for my friends.  No matter what.  We're cool."  The blond molecular scooted back down on his bed, pulling the covers up as he turned toward the wall.

"Yeah, we're cool," Brennan agreed softly as he gently closed the door.  

The End  


End file.
